Yuriko (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chiba_yuriko) wrote2005-05-11 06:04 pm
chiba_yuriko) wrote2005-05-11 06:04 pm
Venting frustrations
Disclaimer: Not really directed at any one person, so please, no one take this personally.
*sighs*
It has to be one of the most frustrating feelings on earth, not the worst, no, but most frustrating - to know that no matter what, no matter how good you are at something, that 99.9% of the time there will be someone better at it than you. Even the things you pride yourself on. Sometimes there are even people who will be better at multiple, even all the things you think you are good at. And it's really hard when you know people like that and know they are good people to top it off. Because then you can't really feel jealous of them without feeling ashamed for feeling as such. Can't get territorial without that twinge of guilt.
It's a fact, yes, but it doesn't have to be an easy one to accept or deal with.
Another top frustrater, and this may just be for me, is not being able to do all that I know I can. I don't know what it is that stops me, either. Am I holding myself back? I don't think I am, but at the same time, I'm not the most objective person when it comes to myself. ^.^; I wish I could speak to people more freely, more easily. I've been told I'm friendly, but I've also been told the opposite, that I can seem quite stand-offish. Which shocked me when I heard it, but after thinking about it, sometimes I guess I probably do come off that way. When I'm not overtly friendly, I think I may look rather cross or bored with the world. Don't mean to, just my face maybe? XD;; But that doesn't explain why I have so much trouble online. I can't seem to get myself involved in the ways I want to be. I have friends who have no problem. Hell, they make friends without meaning to all the time. But when I try to follow their advice, "Just talk to them about anything," "Tell them how much you like thus and thus," it seems to rather flop. I end of feeling like I'm just annoying people more than anything else and so things just trail off...
Am I really that bad at conversation? I didn't use to think so, but in the last couple years, my opinion has swung the other way. I'm terrible at it and I don't know how to fix it. I so badly want to throw myself into things as fully as those around me can, yet... I can't bring myself to.
Why?
*sighs* And beautifully *sarcasms*, these two things have been intertwined for me lately. I wish I could talk to those I admire. Those better than me in certain fields. Make friends, improve, share stories. Things like that. Even when I have a starting point, a reason for the two of us to talk, it still... fails somehow.
I can't honestly see what's holding me back. I know it is my own doing, but why? What am I doing to stop myself?
So god damned frustrating.
Only consolation is that since I realize I take issue with how things are, I can attempt to change them. But, wasn't that part of the problem to start with - changing hasn't worked? >.< Well, all I can do I suppose is keep trying.
*sighs*
It has to be one of the most frustrating feelings on earth, not the worst, no, but most frustrating - to know that no matter what, no matter how good you are at something, that 99.9% of the time there will be someone better at it than you. Even the things you pride yourself on. Sometimes there are even people who will be better at multiple, even all the things you think you are good at. And it's really hard when you know people like that and know they are good people to top it off. Because then you can't really feel jealous of them without feeling ashamed for feeling as such. Can't get territorial without that twinge of guilt.
It's a fact, yes, but it doesn't have to be an easy one to accept or deal with.
Another top frustrater, and this may just be for me, is not being able to do all that I know I can. I don't know what it is that stops me, either. Am I holding myself back? I don't think I am, but at the same time, I'm not the most objective person when it comes to myself. ^.^; I wish I could speak to people more freely, more easily. I've been told I'm friendly, but I've also been told the opposite, that I can seem quite stand-offish. Which shocked me when I heard it, but after thinking about it, sometimes I guess I probably do come off that way. When I'm not overtly friendly, I think I may look rather cross or bored with the world. Don't mean to, just my face maybe? XD;; But that doesn't explain why I have so much trouble online. I can't seem to get myself involved in the ways I want to be. I have friends who have no problem. Hell, they make friends without meaning to all the time. But when I try to follow their advice, "Just talk to them about anything," "Tell them how much you like thus and thus," it seems to rather flop. I end of feeling like I'm just annoying people more than anything else and so things just trail off...
Am I really that bad at conversation? I didn't use to think so, but in the last couple years, my opinion has swung the other way. I'm terrible at it and I don't know how to fix it. I so badly want to throw myself into things as fully as those around me can, yet... I can't bring myself to.
Why?
*sighs* And beautifully *sarcasms*, these two things have been intertwined for me lately. I wish I could talk to those I admire. Those better than me in certain fields. Make friends, improve, share stories. Things like that. Even when I have a starting point, a reason for the two of us to talk, it still... fails somehow.
I can't honestly see what's holding me back. I know it is my own doing, but why? What am I doing to stop myself?
So god damned frustrating.
Only consolation is that since I realize I take issue with how things are, I can attempt to change them. But, wasn't that part of the problem to start with - changing hasn't worked? >.< Well, all I can do I suppose is keep trying.
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